Time Shifting The Olympics

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Work precludes the Rockwood Olympic Watch, but the snark continues thanks to liberal use of the DVR. It's Day 12 of the Vancouver Olympics!

• Tuesday night I had to work, so all of my Olympic watching comes via the DVR. As a consequence, I'm neither going to watch everything nor time it. I'm sure you'll survive not knowing exactly how much fluff there is for one day.

•  For instance, the broadcast starts with the lower-tier figure skaters. I don't feel any need to watch someone who won't be competing for a medal. I don't like figure skating that much. Moving on!

• I do like the bobsled, however, and tonight is the beginning of the Women's 2-man --or would that be 2-woman?-- bobsled. I notice that the German women don't slap each other like the German men do. The Canadian women slap themselves! The American women: a light pat on the back. The results? Germany: 1. Canada: 2. U.S.A.: 4. It's time to do some slapping, ladies!

• Okay, here's the second American team. A slap! I'm going to predict they do well. Let's find out.

Second place! All right, I think this theory has been proven. It's time to learn how to slap each other, Americans!

• Onward we go on the DVR. More figure skating? I think not. Next!

• Women's ski cross? I'll check that out. The women don't get as much separation as the men do, so it's a little more exciting. But even with that, it's still not as interesting as snowboard cross. Maybe they could let the skiers hit each other with their ski poles. THAT would mix it up a little!

No Americans in ANY of these quarterfinals? Meh. I'll just skip ahead to the final.

• More figure skating? Okay, it's American Mirai Nagasu. I'll watch just this one. She's good, and she spins so fast that she actually bloodies her own nose. I haven't ever seen THAT before in figure skating. The judges put her in first place. Good! Now I can skip ahead.

•  The United States has a chance to medal in the Team Nordic Combined. You know, if I fast forward through the slow-motion fluff coverage, it's like I'm watching full-speed sports! Anyway, I'm not going to watch a 20k race in its entirety. Let's speed through to the last lap.

Heeey! The Americans are challenging the Austrians for the lead! With less than a kilometer to go the U.S. takes the lead! AAA!! The Austrian passes on the last big turn! The Americans get silver. Still, the United States has NEVER medaled in the sport before, so a silver is good! Awesome! Let's skip ahead!

• Wow. Sven Kramer of The Netherlands is disqualified in the Men's 10,000m speed skating because his coach told him to get in the wrong lane. He looks Sven-raged.

• In the Women's ski cross final, Canada wins. Yeah, I skipped ahead.

• The Men's Giant Slalom! Bode Miller has a shot for his fourth medal this year. Let's skip ahead to his run.

AAA! He smacks a gate, then skis off the course. So much for this. Moving on!

• I see some figure skater fluff in there while I'm fast forwarding. I'm not stopping to find out who it was about.

• Back to the bobsled. Let's watch the three U.S. sleds. US3: first place for now. US1: tied US3! US2: a slap, and then... FIRST PLACE! I'm telling you, slapping is the key. Canada1 eventually beats them, but US2 is second overall. Not bad!

•  Figure skating. Where's that fast forward button?

•  Okay, I'll watch South Korea's Kim Yu-Na because she's the favorite. Also, she's skating to a James Bond theme. How can I not watch that? I've got to say that watching someone skate to the Bond theme is much more exciting that the ice dancers last night skating to "Requiem For A Dream." Plus, she's a lot better. You know what would be a natural for her long program? "Goldfinger." I'd give her the medal right now if she skated to that.

• Back at the Giant Slalom, Carlo Janka of Switzerland wins the gold. No Americans finished on the podium. Since Bode didn't finish his run, I ended up not watching any of these runs from start to finish.

• In the studio with Bob is Dan Jansen, who talks about how his sister died just before he skated in Calgary in 1988. Jeez... was it really that long ago? Anyway, because of that he sympathizes with Canada's Joannie Rochette, whose mother died just a few days ago. He sent her an email to encourage her to skate. And with that, we're off to the rink...

• Rochette receives a huge ovation from the crowd just for showing up, then skates and nails her routine. Then she tears up after it's over.

Look, I think my record on not liking fluff speaks for itself, but if you didn't get a little emotional as she exited the ice crying into her coach's arms, you, my friend, are one cold-hearted son-of-a-gun.

That said, I could have done without Ted, Scott, and Sandra telling me how emotional I should have been feeling.

Joannie finishes in third place for the night.

• American skater Rachael Flatt goes last, but not before we see some footage of her skating in her first competition at the tender age of three. She also does well, making it to fourth place.

• And by "goes last" I mean that's the last skater I'm going to watch. Your mileage may vary.

I just watched four hours of Olympic coverage in an hour! Okay, I didn't watch all of it. In fact, I skipped almost all of the figure skating, so I probably only watched half of it. I guess that's not as impressive as I thought. Oh well. Tomorrow we're back to normal, if you can call obsessively watching and reporting on an Olympic broadcast "normal." See you then!