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That's What Xi Said

Monday, February 7, 2022

Name that tune.

Everyone needs a theme song, even traitors.
  • Let's get right to it with the Women's 500M short track speed skating quarterfinal. Kristen Santos of the US crashes on the first lap and doesn't advance. American Maame Biney also failed to qualify in an earlier race. Bummer for the US team.
  • So on to the semifinals we go! Without any Americans, this coverage should go fast. Yep! Two quick semi-finals and now we're ready for the final race. Do we care who wins? It's Italy's Arianna Fontana! Yeah, I don't know her either, but she won gold! Let's give her some credit. This is her 10th Olympic medal. I guess I should have known who she is. That's a lot.
  • Now let's go long, for the Women's 1500M speed skating. The best thing about long-track speed skating? That camera that zips along with the skaters. It really gives you a good feel for just how fast they're moving. A bunch of skaters have raced before the NBC coverage started. What does that mean? That's right, they're not going to win the gold. There are three pairs of skaters left. One of them is going to win it all. First up, Ireen Wuest of the Netherlands, who has apparently won everything in the last few years, sets a new Olympic record in her race. That's a good start. The last American up, Brittany Bowe, carried the US flag in the Opening Ceremonies a few days ago. She starts fast but finishes slow and ends up in eighth place. No one else challenges Wuest, so she ends up winning her sixth Olympic gold medal at 35 years of age.
  • Before we start with the Big Air competition, let's have some Eileen Gu fluff. Eileen, as you may know, betrayed her home country, opting instead to turn a blind eye to genocide and oppression in return for a big payout of dirty communist money. But her goal is to inspire Chinese girls. I suppose she will. Too bad she'll be inspiring them to stab freedom in the back in return for wealth built on the backs of slave labor. Way to go, Eileen! Oh, and NBC's three minutes of fluff said almost none of that, because Eileen isn't the only one who wants a big payout of dirty communist money.
  • Anyway, let's start the Women's Big Air Skiing final. It's being held in front of an old steel plant, says Mike Tirico. That explains the smokestacks everywhere. Really, what represents Beijing better than dozens of giant smokestacks?
  • NBC announcers Shane Bacon and Tom Wallisch are very excited about Gu's first jump. She's about to become a superstar, they say! Beijing Rose nails her jump and takes an early lead.
  • Watching this event is sort of like watching diving in the summer games. The athletes do some flips and twists then land on the snow or splash in the water. The only thing I know how to grade is the landing or the splash. After a while it all starts to look the same.
  • I will tell you something I don't like. When NBC has done the picture-in-picture split two-box effect before this event (like for figure skating), they would show an ad in one box and athletes waiting for scores in the other. Now they're showing an ad and some of the jumps. I know NBC is trying to get their ads in, but save the ads for when we're waiting for scores, not when the action is happening.
  • Shane lets us know that Eileen writes her own music and has great SAT scores. Why, she's perfect! This information brought to you by the Chinese Ministry of Acceptable Information.
  • Tess LeDeux of France takes the lead in round two. What's her SAT score, NBC? After the second round, Gu is in third place and I don't know the hobbies or extracurricular activities of anyone but Gu. Why is that exactly?
  • Eileen has a massive jump and sticks the landing, which is very exciting for the NBC/CCP propaganda team. Gu finishes in first, and excited Uyghur female slaves are inspired to work on manufacturing her merchandise under the threat of torture. How inspiring!
  • To the fake-snow slope we go for the Men's Super-G. We start watching with American Travis Ganong, who is the third skier down the hill. This isn't live and they're skipping a lot of skiers, so that probably means we'll get to see the Americans and the medal winners. Let's see if that prediction is correct.
  • Analyst Ted Ligety says that Norway's Aleksander Aamot Kilde's greatest strength is also his greatest weakness: his strength. What? That doesn't make any sense. Kilde finishes the run currently in first. Was that his weakness or his strength that put him there? I'm confused.
  • Marco Odermatt of Switzerland is such a big star he has his own song, "Odi Odi Odi." Oooo! He misses a gate. Maybe his song should have been Destiny Child's "No, No, No."
  • A note at the bottom of the screen says that IOC President Thomas Bach attended an event with Chinese-hostage tennis star Peng Shuai. Blink twice if you can talk, Peng!
  • Ryan Cochran-Siegle of the United States follows new race leader Matthias Mayer of Austria and surprisingly finishes just four-hundredths of a second behind, currently in second! "I hope it holds," he says. Maybe if it does we can get him a song.
  • We're now watching a LIVE interview with Ryan. His mom was Barbara Cochran, who won a medal in the 1972 Olympics, so he'd be the second member of his family to win an Olympic medal. Was NBC DVR-ing this event? Maybe they were. They probably thought no US skier would be in medal contention in the Super-G, so they could just show some highlights and get on with figure skating. But now that an American is sitting in silver position they have to stay here. They're filling time watching Ryan talk to his mom on Facetime.
  • Next up: Bryce Bennett of the United States tries to take Ryan's advice on how to make a fast run. It didn't work. He finishes almost two seconds off the leader.
  • The remaining skiers must all be chumps because Ted Ligety is already talking about how Ryan has the silver medal wrapped up. But we still can't leave because we're LIVE! We have to watch the chumps fail. Not exactly the most riveting TV.
  • NBC got Barbara's Facetime number so now Dan Hicks is interviewing her instead of chump-watching.
  • Ryan wins silver! Oh wait. Maybe he doesn't. There are still chump racers left, but Mike Tirico says if one of them beats Ryan, NBC will cut in.
  • Look! It's corrupt IOC President Thomas Bach with Chinese hostage Peng Shuai watching American traitor Eileen Gu win the gold medal. Eileen would like to inspire future Chinese girls to be great athletes that can be sexually assaulted by unaccountable communist leaders just like what happened to Peng. Way to be a leader, Gu! I found you a theme song!
  • We are LIVE at the skating rink for the Men's Short Program. First up is two-time Olympic gold medal winner Yuzuru Hanyu of Japan. He's like a rockstar in Japan, says Johnny Weir. Does he have his own song? That's my new standard, Johnny. Yuzuru misses an opening jump and because of the point deductions, he won't even make the final.
  • Nathan Chen fluff! In the PyeongChang games in 2018, he overworked himself and finished fifth. But since then he went to school at Yale, and that time in college has made him a better competitor. Okay. Three minutes of fluff.
  • The rest of the skating will be commercial-free, says Terry Gannon. I'm holding you to that, Terry! Be a rockstar and we'll name a song after you!
  • Finally, it's Nathan Chen's turn to skate. I guess that time at Yale worked. He ends up in first place. Fellow American Jason Brown places sixth so he'll be in the final.

Four-and-a-half hours of events on back-to-back nights. That's a lot! And since they're live, there's no time for fluff. A good start. Let's see if NBC keeps it up. Tune in tomorrow!

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