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That's What Xi Said

Sunday, February 13, 2022

A new record for fluff.

In an event-heavy abbreviated night, how low can we go?
  • We start LIVE with Women's Monobob in the HOUSE OF SPEED! Elana Meyers Taylor has just made the fastest run in the final heat. Why am I starting here instead of with the earlier racers? Because NBC's coverage officially started at 9:45 Central Time, and that's what I base all of the timings off of. Don't blame me, NBC! You're the one who set the schedule, not me.
  • The German fails to pass Taylor, so her only challenger is Kailie Humphries, also from the US. Could we get a one-two American finish? Yes! Humphries, gold! Taylor, silver! U-S-A! U-S-A! What a start to "Super Gold Sunday!"
  • Mike Tirico is on the field of the Super Bowl standing in the Los Angeles Rams confetti and giving us a rundown of what's going to happen tonight. Some of it has already happened, Mike!
  • You remember the doping case against Russian Crime Syndicate skater Kamila Valiyeva? It's STILL being decided. Why does this take so long? I guess Russia must be having problems transferring the required funds to IOC President Thomas Bach's secret slush fund account.
  • We now go LIVE to the Free Dance portion of Ice Dancing. The Russian Crime Syndicate skaters go first. They won't win, so let's move on. Madison Chock and Evan Bates of America are back in their Gozer and Tron outfits. She represents an extraterrestrial and he represents an astronaut. And they're getting together? So this is some kind of Captain Kirk tribute, then. They move into first place.
  • It's time for American Madison number two, Madison Hubbell and Zach Donohue. They seem happy with their performance. Tara says "the point of the dance is not to get to the end of it." She wants this to last forever? Pass. They move ahead of Chock and Bates.
  • Russian Crime Syndicate skaters go next. Without quads or Axels or anything, is there any way anyone could lose position in these performances? They'd have to fall, and they never do. It's sort of anti-climactic. Sinitsina and Katsalapov move into first place. I typed this sentence before they even finished skating. That's how predictable this is.
  • My prediction was right. Next up, I predict the French skaters Gabriella Papadakis and Guillaume Cizeron will win gold by about three points. Let's see if I'm right.
  • Johnny Weir says that Papadakis and Cizeron's performance takes us to another planet. No, Johnny. That was Chock and Bates!
  • They win gold by six points. I was three points off. By comparison, I had predicted the Bengals by three and they lost by three, so I was six points off there. So in football, which I know waaaay too much about, I can't predict a score within six, but in ice dancing, which I know nothing about, I can get within three.
  • Post-race interviews for Humpries and Taylor. Humphries is honored to bring the gold back to America instead of Canada. Taylor says it's all about Team USA. Great job, ladies!
  • We go to speed skating to see Erin Jackson's performance in the Women's 500M race. She wins. I didn't predict that. Mike told us before we even watched it. That's also anti-climactic. For us, not for Erin. Five years ago she'd never even been on skates and now she's won the first US gold in this event in 20 years. That's impressive!
  • The US now has seven golds. The highest American winter total ever is 10 and there's still about a week to go.
  • It's time for medals! Taylor and Humphries get a chance to sing. Will they? Humphries just got here from Canada. Does she even know the song? Yes she does! She's belting it out, and Taylor joins in. Great job, monobobbers!

So after all of that... zero fluff! ZERO! Of course, the whole program was only 75 minutes long, so there wasn't really time for it. But still, ZERO! Tune in tomorrow where I predict that a third of the show will be fluff. It's bound to happen sometime. Let's find out together! See you then!

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