Creepy London Olympics mascots chase Will Rockwood Comic
Friday, July 27, 2012
3:23 1:02 0:05
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And So It Begins...

Danny Boyle Terrorizes The World Yet Again

The start of the Olympic Games is finally here. And so is the 2012 Rockwood Olympic Watch. We know you can't wait, otherwise why would you even be reading this? Yeah, we got you good. Let's begin!




* And we're off! A six minute slow-motion intro welcomes us to the XXX Olympic Games. Am I going to count this as fluff? Nahhh. When you're broadcasting a 17-day event, you want an elaborate title sequence to sell it. I'll let it go... this time.


* In our first "live" shot, Bob Costas is standing in the sun with the Tower Bridge in the background. He mentions the Opening Ceremonies will be directed by Danny Boyle, director of "Slumdog Millionaire." Also, director of "Trainspotting," "127 Hours," and "28 Days Later." Let's hope that the ceremonies place more of an emphasis on Bollywood dancing and less on zombies, heroin addicts, and hikers hacking off their own arms.


* Ryan Seacrest interviews Jordyn Weber and Gabby Douglas, American gymnasts. Did you know that the Opening Ceremonies actually occured hours ago? You know what these gymnasts have to do with that? Nothing! Fluff! Seacrest out!


* A Danny Boyle film leads us from the headwaters of the Thames to London's Olympic stadium. Why? I dunno. Maybe that will make more sense later.


* The inside of the stadium is filled with fields of grass and hills. It looks like the set where the Teletubbies live. Be afraid.


* Children singing! Children representing each area of Great Britain sing songs their areas are known for. Why? It's pretty I guess. And how can you get mad at kids sing pretty songs?


* Kenneth Branaugh! Now THERE'S someone who should have been directing the Opening Ceremonies.


* Matt Lauer warns us about some drummers that may be "ominous." Yes, I know every time I think of drummers I'm filled with dread.


* So as the drumming starts, a tree is ripped up out of the ground and factory workers spill out of the hole. Said workers then get to work erecting smokestacks and raping the land while a bunch of top-hatted industrialists look on and dance a jig. It's Danny Boyle's version of the Industrial Revolution! Really, can the zombies be far behind?


* A tribute to World War I veterans. This is probably where Mr. Boyle will insert the hacking off of limbs.


* Steelworkers in the center of the stadium are fashioning a giant steel ring. Matt Lauer tells us that by some miracle of science, they're somehow pumping the smell of sulfur into the air to simulate a steel factory. Goodness! How could they ever pump the smell of sulfur into the air? Maybe by... pumping sulfur into the air? Shocking.


* Ahhhh... the Industrial Revolution was all worth it because we are now able to forge giant steel Olympic rings. Ooooooooo! They shoot sparklers once they all join. I'm sorry, but that's really cool.


* Bond! James Bond! And Queen Elizabeth! The Queen and 007 ride a helicopter past various sights in the city of London then hover over Olympic Stadium. The Queen... JUMPS OUT OF THE CHOPPER?! Suck on that, Beijing! Followed by Bond, they land outside the stadium. Psh! They couldn't have staged the Queen somewhere in the middle of stadium? Now THAT would have been an entrance!


* Danny Boyle recognizes the National Health Service. This section concludes with children sleeping and musician Mike Oldfield playing music that sounds an awful lot like "Tubular Bells," the song that was used as the theme song from "The Exorcist." And now comes Cruella de Ville, dozens of green-eyed dogs, a 100-foot-tall Voldermort, and some kind of green-eyed demons. Yes, what better way to open the Olympics than with the symbolic representation of thousands of childrens' nightmares?


* But dozens of Mary Poppinses swoop down out of the sky to save the day! These Opening Ceremonies are supercalifragilisticexpialadocious!


* So this segment opened with nationalized health care and closed with an all-powerful au pair. There's a nanny-state joke in there somewhere, I know it.


* An orchestra plays the theme from "Chariots of Fire." Was Vangelis not available? Ha! Mr. Bean! Rowan Atkinson plays the one repeating note while fantasizing about running on the beach. Cute.


* World wide web creator, Tim Berners-Lee, gets a tribute which Danny Boyle calls "MTV gone mad." How would that be different than regular MTV?


* Team Rockwood member Sandy asks, "Why are all these Opening Ceremonies so long anymore?" Answer: How do you think people would feel about paying $500 a ticket for a show if it was only an hour long?


* Kids just want to have fun! There's a bunch of dancing to a bunch of '60s British Invasion bands which leads into David Bowie, Queen, Frankie Goes To Hollywood, The Eurythmics and others. So, World War I vets get a tribute and so does The Prodigy, but World War II vets? Screw you! I guess "Firestarter" is cooler than saving the country from the Nazis.


* Ha! "Trainspotting" was projected onto the house they're using for this set! What says "Olympic spirit" better than Ewen MacGregor swimming through toilet water looking for his heroin?


* Now Amy Winehouse. See? Heroin!


* The torch is being driven up the Thames in a speedboat piloted by David Beckham. He never arrives anywhere. Weird.


* Seacrest! In! With Michael Phelps. Perhaps you've heard of him. He swims. What pertinent information could Seacrest possibly get out of him? "What do you plan on doing in the pool, Michael?" "Swim this way. Really fast. If something gets in my way, turn."


* Now almost two hours in, we get the athletes! And Bob Costas. Maybe now we'll get some good commentary. Notice how I haven't said much about Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera? If you don't have anything nice to say... yeah, like that's ever stopped me before.


* You know why Bob Costas is the host of the Olympics and Matt Lauer is the host of the Today show? Because when Matt reads his prepared trivia cards he sounds like he's reading a prepared trivia card. Bob sounds like he's pulling it off the top of his head. It's the same way that Alex Trebek sounds so smart.


* As someone who speaks English, one of the nice things about having the Olympics in England is that when the nations march into the stadium in alphabetical order, it's the order I'm used to. The US doesn't enter as the "States American which are United."


* The North Korean team enters the stadium and sees electric lights for the first time. Costas uses this opportunity to take a shot a Kim Jong Il's boastfulness, calling him the greatest athlete in that nation's history for claiming to have made 11 holes-in-one the first time he played golf. Matt Lauer doesn't think it's nice to make fun of dead tyrants. Whatever, Matt.


* Bob insists on being able to introduce the country of Gabon just so he can talk about their former president-for-life, who promised untold riches to any Gabonian who won a medal in the Olympics. It was great publicity for the president, who Bob refers to as "the wiley Bongo." I think The Wiley Bongo would be a great name for a band, maybe one consisting of ominous drummers.


* The "Independent Olympic Athletes" enter. How do I qualify to become an independent Olympic athlete? I don't even care which sport. I just want to march in the Opening Ceremonies and get some swag.


* Usain Bolt carries the flag for Jamaica. The rest of his team can't keep up! No, not really.


* All the athletes have different clothes, different customs, different politics... but half of them are recording their entry into the stadium on iPhones. That's why Apple is the biggest company in the world.


* While we were away on a commercial break, Panama marched in. Ain't nothin' like them, a shiny machine. Hot shoes, burnin' down the avenue.


* U-S-A! U-S-A! The US arrives and they spend a lot of time highlighting the basketball team. Kobe, Lebron... and THE BEARD! James Harden is just one of three Oklahoma City Thunder players on the US team. Next season, NBA! Watch out for the Thunder!


* Great Britain enters and the Queen waves hello. Bob and Matt give us a little history on how this is the third Olympics to be in London, a record for any city. What they don't mention is Queen Elizabeth's connection. In the 1948 games, she was the heir presumptive to the throne of her father, who died in 1952. Now, 64 years later, she's presiding over them as her country's leader. Given that no other location has hosted three times, she could be the first leader to have been in a position of power in her country for two different Olympics.


* More weirdness. Bicyclists wearing LED-laden wings flap/ride their way around the athletes congregated in the middle of the stadium while a cover band plays "Come Together." Now one of the cyclists E.T.'s his way through the air to... well, he just kind of disappears. Weird.


* Sebastian Coe, the London Olympic chairman, gives a welcoming speech while standing in front of the Shire. C'mon... you know you were thinking that, too.


* Jacque Rogge, IOC chairman, tells us about how his corruption has created the world's greatest athletic competition. That's not a direct quote, but I'm pretty sure that was in there somewhere.


* The Queen officially opens the Games, then the stadium explodes! With fireworks. On top. In a neat circular formation. What did you think I meant? Geez!


* The Olympic flag is carried up to the Shire where it will be hoisted so high up a flagpole that Jacque Rogge will be able to see it from Mordor.


* A quick shot of the athletes in the crowd shows one of them recording the procedings on his iPhone. In portrait orientation. Idiot! Turn the camera sideways! When you watch that on your TV at home it's only going to take up a fraction of the screen!


* David Beckham is back with his torch-laden speedboat. Ahh... so the previous time we saw him was foreshadowing. Well played, Danny Boyle. Well played.


* The torch has traveled almost 13,000 miles, says Bob. Did you know you could bet on whether the torch-bearer trips in the stadium? How do you set odds for something like that?


* One torch becomes seven as the young athletes running the flame around the stadium pick up six extra torches. All seven then light the cauldron, which consists of 100 or so smaller torches which start off at ground level, then rise up together to form one big torch. Then London explodes! With fireworks. Again, geez! They're not quite the giant firework footprints we had in Beijing, but it's still cool. Oh, and we finally get some Pink Floyd while all of the explosives go off.


* Cute Beatle time! Paul McCartney gives us a little "Hey, Jude," which has direct ties to the Olympics because... uh... well... c'mon! He's a Beatle! He can play what he wants! Paul encourages the crowd to sing along. Several close ups of the athletes show that very few of them are singing. Of course, that's probably because they're not familiar with their grandparents' music.


* Meredith Viera interviews Danny Boyle. Boyle wants to talk about the stadium workers and Viera wants to talk about the Queen. Maybe both of them could talk to someone else who's interested in what they want to talk about.


* Bob and Matt close out the show by talking about the Queen again. I guess they were a lot more impressed with it than I was. I thought the bit was cute, but you could have done a lot more with James Bond and Queen Elizabeth than they chose to do.



So, that's it for Day 1. Only five minutes of fluff is a good start, but we all know that's going to change. So get ready to have a good time and share it with your friends (click that Facebook link below). See you tomorrow!